The Viral Manifesto

If I’ve learned anything about marketing on social media and the internet it is that things don’t have to be “good” to go viral and be extremely popular. In fact, very often there is an inverse relationship (Rebecca Black I’m looking at you).

Other times the more ”advanced social” people will begin to dislike something for the very fact that it is popular. So what does it all mean? It means my stuff still has a chance to go viral – if only I can turn indifference into hatred…but hatred that must be shared.

Nah, that’s not really the approach I’m looking for as tempting as it seems. But perhaps there are some things I could do to make my online presence more popular:

Twitter:
http://twitter.com/LessonsOfLunacy

Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Functional-Lunatic/102363699843825

Books:
http://www.amazon.com/Yorick-von-Fortinbras/e/B004J3S0QK

Amazon Author Page:
http://amazon.com/author/yorickfortinbras

Home:
http://www.yorickvonfortinbras.com

Music (Oakenbras):
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1130172

I have contemplated and decided against an act of mass violence, I have tried gimmicky contests, I have attempted to unite writers and start a grass roots movement to treat us like athletes moving up through an organized system.

And by the way, I never really contemplated any violence. I just find it interesting how the Unabomber, McVeigh and Manson seem to get a lot of looks at their material, albeit in the vein or genre of let’s-read-their-stuff-just-to-see-how-friggin’-crazy-they-are.

However, I am the Functional Lunatic. Mad by my very own eponymous cognomination.

It’s just not enough though.

I can say that I will one day create something so awesome, new and contagious that it must be shared by folks who are so eager to be considered cool and the bearer of all things cool – shepherds of the super-duper, if you will – but I have already created these things: true stories of future technologies that so disrupt humanity as to bring about…well, you’ll just have to read them won’t you.

And you did read correctly: true stories of future happenings.

I am the Functional Lunatic; but perhaps I should change my name to the Futuristic Lunatic.

Answers From the Future

Mathematician John von Neumann spoke in the mid-1950s of “ever accelerating progress of technology and changes in the mode of human life, which gives the appearance of approaching some essential singularity in the history of the race beyond which human affairs, as we know them, could not continue.”

How interesting.

With our friend von Neumann’s quote as a backdrop, I was going to ask a lot of questions about the future to spur some thought. But being the future-originating person that I am (per this post), I decided that rather, I would provide Answers since I’ve noticed a distinct lack thereof lately – Truth-ful answers, anyway - on the subject of information technology as it furthers the development of strong artificial intelligence.

On second thought, I am just going to pose the questions and provide some snarky commentary on them. It’s no fun giving everything away. But maybe the tone of my questions and comments will provide some glimpses into the future for you (yes, we still like to toy with people in the future):

• Will IT eventually kill IT departments in companies? (How deliciously ironic)
• Will IT kill the need for human resources that do product development and testing? (Duh)
• Will IT kill the need for marketing human resources? (Maybe it will kill the entire need for marketing…)
• IT has already killed the need for manufacturing resources, just the design part is not automated. Will it be? (Duh again…see 2^nd bullet above)
• What’s left? Art, music, literature (which are incidentally my gifts). Will these soon become “gifts” of everyone? ART is defined as the production or arrangement of sounds, colors, forms, movements, words or other elements in a manner that cause a perceived isomorphism in a cognitive being – causes feeling of appreciation or causes one to imagine something else (Wait, why do we think AI couldn’t do this?!)
• Is it really AI or SI (super intelligence)? Maybe supper Intelligence – we’ll always know what will be for dinner. But I already have that: my wife (sorry, stupid comment. As you can see, I haven’t yet achieved SI)
• God (@theTweetofGod) once said while contemplating the possibility of AI overcoming human intelligence: “AI can never take the place of natural stupidity.” (How true. I don’t need to expand on any of God’s commentary, do I?)
• Can SI exist before the brain is 100% modeled? (What does a brain have to do with super intelligence? It is just human hardware for achieving some semblance of intelligence, albeit severely limited by emotion, bias and error)
• Are people of the future relevant? Obsolete? Are they central figures of society/economy in 100 years? If we are, nothing to worry about from a singularity POV. If we are not, what does this mean? What have we done? Who is doing what to us? With us? (My only comment here is that I’m from more than 100 years in the future. I’m still here. But…hmmm…am I human??? My parents will have to chime in on that one)
• What is the currency of the future? Ideas? Pleasure? Favors? (All of the above?)
• How is the transition to a new currency going to happen without billions dying? (Hmmm, maybe it won’t)
• Will currency even be necessary? i.e. production costs so cheap that everything is “free” (This could actually enable the new currency of ideas/pleasure/favors. Let me check my pockets…nope…no money. That must answer your question, or just speak to my current fiscal situation)
• Stability tends to occur without mass depopulation and with a lot of over-reaction and speculation leading up to it. Will this trend continue? (I’m quite unstable – does this answer your question?)
• What will be the source of motivation? (It took me 3 months to write this post…don’t look at me for this one)
• Turning point: software that can write software…in a language that humans don’t comprehend…that works better than anything humans can create (‘nuff said)

If you’ve read this far you are no doubt by now wondering how I have been able to transmit this future knowledge from my future brain (if that’s what you call it) into this current blog site.

That is a good question.

How smart of you.

Well if you’re so smart you can figure it out, can’t you smarty pants.

And if not, ask this guy

Or this guy:

Nayvadius Wilburn Cash, better known by his stage name Future, is an American singer and rapper championed by parts of the Haitian American community from Kirkwood, Atlanta, Georgia. He is signed to the record label Epic Records

My Mysterious Origin

It’s hard for me to be successful here given where I come from. I just don’t know how to relate to most of you and because of that I find it difficult to connect. Allow me to explain:

Your scientists and thought leaders are just beginning to realize the things I wrote about 10 years ago and it’s exciting to see this happen although I do struggle with the disappointment of not getting any credit for it. I wish I could have done something differently 10 years ago to make it come about faster, but I’m just not on the bleeding edge. I was actually in front of it. And that is no man’s land.

The dog-faced magician

My reader’s must realize that because of my origins I have access to information that literally no one else on earth has access to. It may be the hooded dog-faced magician that is the source of this and so many of my creations – or it may be something else that I just can’t talk about. That’s not important here and will be the topic of a later piece. What is important is the fact that I can’t relate to you and because of that I just don’t care very often. Some may call it Aspergers, which could be a good deflectionary label that takes the pressure off of the Truth. I don’t really care what it’s called, but what I’m trying to convey here is that sometimes it just hurts.

Yes, the Functional Lunatic hurts at times and it is humanity’s fault. Now, if I went out and gunned down a bunch of government folks in the local county office, this last paragraph would be very intriguing, wouldn’t it? But I am not going to do that since I am peaceful and work my way out of problems with anonymous words to anonymous readers.

Someday you folks will understand, but I just can’t reveal the Truth yet. When I do, you will see how I know the things I know…and why I can’t take credit for it. All I can say is, read my books if you want to wake up and tune in.

In the meantime, feel free to ask me any questions about existence ~

YvF

How Can You Tell If Your Kid is “Messed Up?”

How can you tell if your kid is “messed up?”

And even if he or she is messed up – or should we categorize it as different – should this be a concern for the parents? Let me answer by describing myself.

I was a messed up kid. If I was one of my parents I probably would have done something very regrettable to try to correct it. Lucky for me, the worst they did was break a few wooden spoons on my bare ass when I completely drove them over the edge. Aside from that, they just sat back and allowed me to do tons of things that, looking back on it today do seem quite “gay” (for lack of a better term).

Now let’s consider my situation for a moment. Having adopted the label “The Functional Lunatic” I can hardly point to myself as an unmitigated success story and pinnacle of progress, but the reality is I consider myself quite successful in the grand scheme of things. I base this on my occupational accomplishments, family, health and general fact that there are many others much worse off than me. Before I get into the details I’ll say that I’m not sure I’m “successful” because of my messed up childhood or in spite of it.

My OCD and general strange behavior, which I still deal with today, was explained away by my pediatrician as artificial coloring poisoning…but I know the Truth. This was all precipitated by my dabbling in the supernatural which interested me before I was into double digit years. There were movies I watched that either brought out the ideas or just clarified them for me: the bust of satan in my bedroom, a little ball with a knife protruding from it that would fly about the house, my haunted attic, attacks I withstood in my own bedroom, to name a few. What I remember from an OCD perspective – and even feel today – is that I needed certain things to be True. I needed to hear things in a certain way, to touch things a certain number of times, to bring about things in a very specific way that I just knew had to be or I would feel extremely uncomfortable.

An example: for 2 years straight, every night, I would yell down to my parents from my bed for literally hours. I would simply yell “good night!!” over and over – and I would need a response. When I got a response the first 2 or 3 times, I would need another response because the first one wasn’t right, or I wasn’t in the right position when I received it. After that, my parents would try to ignore my screams. They nearly killed me because of the problems I caused. I woke up with devastating nightmares about having to touch thick things and immense tasks that needed to be re-done because the first time it either wasn’t done right or it got knocked down or wasn’t foundationally perfect. If my kid was going through this I would be extremely concerned. Wouldn’t you?

Then I got quiet. I remember the day it started. I was learning to do everything lefty because I had simply decided one day I was going to convert to being left-handed (this was inspired by my admiration of Paul McCartney, the Beatles’ left-handed bass player). For many years I blamed Kevin McReynolds because it was after him that I modeled my silence. But only recently did I realize that Kevin is not to blame here.

In high school, I left school often (many times during chemistry class) due to migraines, which always started with the loss of peripheral vision that slowly squeezed my sight until I could barely see. The way I would confirm the onset of these issues (as if the loss of sight wasn’t enough) was to try to say “Nebraska.” When I couldn’t remember the state’s name, I knew I was in for it and would ask to be escorted to the office. Only later did I consider that the origin of the migraines and cognitive/visual problems may have been seizures.

Why seizures? As a child I had many severe concussions from falling off chairs headfirst onto concrete floors, smashing my head against snow covered fire hydrants and the worst one which was a gymnastics injury in which I couldn’t remember what day it was or my name, then blacked out and mumbled nonsense for hours. In fact, through reading “Musicophilia” by Oliver Sacks, I now believe that my musicality, creativity (and terrible memory) may be a symptom of my many head injuries as a child.

So, yeah, gymnastics. That’s what I said. As I mentioned before, I did a lot of “gay” things as a kid. And by that term, I mean no disrespect to homosexuals. I think even they would admit the stuff I did was pretty gay. Competitive gymnastics was one of them. I was good. I won a national invitational 2 years in a row when I was 10 and 11 (in the 12 and under age bracket). I was on my way to my third in a row when I unexpectedly quit.

But there was more. With all the things I did as a kid/young adult, if I was my father I surely would have wondered about my son. Aside from the gymnastics and the little leotards we wore, there were the 3 body waves I got (uh, not perms but body waves), my love of a Cabbage Patch Kid doll, the earrings in both ears (when that was absolutely unheard of), modeling, writing poems, going to gay clubs, my partaking in “Fluorescent Day”, playing the clarinet, singing, hanging out with girls starting in kindergarten, god it goes on and on! Yet my friend who I learned late in our friendship actually was gay, did none of these things. He played football, had girlfriends, hung out with the guys, was tough – even physically intimidating – and funny.

My advice* boils down to this: let your kid be…just be. It is unlikely you’ll be able to change them anyway and much more likely that you’ll isolate yourself from them in the long run.

*And of course my disclaimer is that this is just the humble opinion of a lunatic…but a functional lunatic.

YvF

A Quack Process: How to Keep Those Ducks in a Row

An actual photo of “The Alphabet Committee”

There’s a new process being implemented at my company (or rolled out or deployed) – whichever term you fancy. It’s new, novel, innovative…dare I say ground-breaking. Careers will flourish. Ceilings will be raised. Most importantly, crystal trophies will proudly ascend to the desktops of many an executive associated with this brain child.

Management expectation is that this process will facilitate awareness across the company, independent of functional area.

Here’s how it works:

It’s all about Letter Stewards: the letter “A” is owned and sponsored by Letter Workstream 1 with a full governance, delivery and change management procedure; letter “B” is owned by Workstream 2, “C” by Workstream 3 and so on throughout the alphabet.

Prior to any use of a given letter – be it in an email, a text or on the bathroom wall – the steward must approve its use, thus ensuring transparency, knowledge transfer and overall grooviness.

Management does’t believe it will hurt overall work performance. In fact, they hope to expand this service throughout the enterprise by EOY, then beyond the company, beyond the industry, as a worldwide process, eventually expanding to non-English characters such as Arabic, Japanese and more – maybe even braille.

Management also hopes that a carriage return owner will step up but there is a battle between whether this will be a hierarchical or independent relationship with the Enter button steward. The Page Break steward is caught in the middle as well.

There are challenges being worked through: the Backspace/Delete group is arguing over redundancy claims and the Hebrew consortium is trying to garner the right-to-left literacy rights. Japanese attorneys are assessing their top to bottom approach based on the precedent the Hebrew methodology is taking and considering a cross-reference for right-to-left concerns.

The dyslexic don’t know which camp to align themselves with – which is a backwards approach if you ask me – and the illiterate are asking for some white papers to peruse.

It seems like a mess, but I have confidence that management will get it straightened out and back on track with a few whiteboard sessions that lay out the meeting cadence for future alignment committees that can try to knock out the communication challenges. *

*Meeting minutes to come…as soon as pending approvals come from the letter workstreams.

I’ll let you know how it goes in a few months. For now, I’m busy clearing space on my desk for this:

My crystal trophy for process excellence

Enough Already! (with the Guns…)

Fact: 42 of 50 states do not ban or regulate assault rifles. Why? (Photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

This is happening way too often in this country. Why? Guns are too readily available. Automatic and semi-automatic assault weapons designed to maximize kills are on the streets and apparently also in your mother’s garment closet. Why?

“It’s our constitutional right!” exclaim many of my fellow conservative thinkers. A US Representative invoked George Washington over the weekend on a TV program saying, “It ensures against the tyranny of the government, if they know that the biggest army is the American people.”

Let’s look closely at that constitutional right to bear arms. It was granted in a long ago era that really has very little resemblance to today when the military didn’t have nuclear weapons, lightning bolt death rays, corner shooting grenade launchers, and all kinds of exotic weaponry that could disintegrate you and your entire town quite easily, regardless of whether you are pointing the little gun you keep under your mattress or concealed around your ankle at them. The rights granted in the 2^nd amendment are outdated and irrelevant yet so engrained in the survivalists’ and pretectionists’ DNA that the very threat of initiating a conversation is akin to telling the NEA that there will be a ban on paint brushes.

No, the guns that Americans own have nothing to do with protecting themselves against their government and everything to do with the belief that one day there will be a need to protect one’s family against an intruder that will never come – or the zombie apocalypse, or the world economic collapse or [insert another fanatical threat of choice]. Believe it or not, the odds of those events occurring and your gun helping in those situations are nearly equal.

I will never have a gun in my home. I would be MUCH MUCH more fearful of that gun being used against me or finding its way into a child or teenager’s hands. Children can find their Christmas presents. They will find your liquor cabinet. They will find your gun. They are resourceful. Are you comfortable with that? Before responding with a knee-jerk reaction, really think that through. If your answer is “yes” I hope you are right. I really do. Both for your sake and for the sake of anyone that may have disrespected your child that day.

I know that prohibition didn’t achieve its goals and even resulted in the creation of some very bad things and organizations. Drug laws don’t keep all the drugs off the street either. That I know. That is because there is huge demand for those items in society and where there is huge demand there is huge payout. As the risk increases, the payout grows. People want their drink and some want their illegal drugs and they would always find a way to get them. At the surface, that same argument can be used in the gun discussion.

But think about it. Yes, there is a huge demand for guns and no they will never be eliminated completely even with the best restrictions. But guns cannot be grown in concealed Central American hillsides nor can they be grown in your cousin’s basement. They must be (in nearly all cases) manufactured by large, well organized, tax paying companies that can be controlled and regulated much more easily than Pablo Escobar (or the thousands like him). Many of these gunmakers are also owned by the same large groups interestingly.

Yes, gun manufactures can be controlled much like tobacco companies. How many of your friends still smoke, by the way?

Additionally, drugs and alcohol don’t have a purpose of killing, although I am aware that their use does result in many deaths and that is extremely unfortunate. But there is a difference here that anyone can see if they look carefully and honestly. Drugs and alcohol are designed for recreational use; the types of assault weapons and handguns we are talking about are designed for killing. And they are designed well. In fact not only can they effectively kill but they can effectively kill many people in a short amount of time.

If Adam Lanza gets alcohol or drugs illegally, he will not use them to kill 20 children. If his mom had not owned guns, he may have been able to still obtain guns elsewhere, but he may not have. That’s the point. There is a chance that this would not have happened and it comes down to reducing risk and reducing likelihoods. That’s why we carefully design things in this world that can be dangerous to be as safe as possible and reduce the risk of accidents to children. Think of a roller coaster; they can be very dangerous and very fun, attracting young people – hence the careful design and engineering.

A frequent argument we will hear is that determined criminals will find ways to get guns and the law abiding citizens owning under protection of the Constitution of the United States of America shouldn’t be punished for that. I have two responses for that:

(1) All criminals aren’t “determined” and violence becomes an option for them when the tools to cause death are readily available

(2) The less guns owned by the law abiders will also result in less criminals getting those weapons either by stealing them or “borrowing” them, i.e. Adam borrowed his mom’s guns, didn’t he? And wasn’t she a lawful owner?

The resource pool for criminals includes the legal owners, doesn’t it? Yes, it does and often times that is the weak link. The reason criminals so often find a weapon is that they are so plentiful. Enabling legal owners will increase that pool of availability for the “bad guys”, won’t it? I ask everyone to honestly think about that. If it was EXTREMLY hard or nearly impossible for the good guys to get guns, it would be harder for the bad guys to get them and that would mean there was less of a need for the good guys to carry, which means it becomes even harder for the bad guys to get them. This continues in a vicious cycle of disarming society. Yes, in this case the vicious cycle is good!

I don’t see how there could be any logic that leads anyone to a different conclusion if they come to it sensibly, without bias and ignoring that barbaric call from their loins that screams out that they must protect themselves and their families at any cost.

I ordinarily don’t have a strong opinion either way about gun laws. I have typically been a person that believes the government should be limited and should stay out of our lives as much as possible. I have no interest in arming myself and I had in the past thought we should not prevent those who want to own legally and responsibly to do so. But I have come to the conclusion I describe above through careful thought and introspection of recent events.

I pride myself on seeing all facets of a complicated problem. I recognize that the bad guys don’t obey laws so it would be very challenging to construct a law that would completely prevent them from getting guns. Plus, anything can be used as a weapon if there is enough hatred in an individual. But that is not a good argument against making it very, very difficult if not impossible for ordinary citizens to own guns for the reasons I have described above.

I do believe that gun manufacturers need to be forced to take accountability here just like tobacco product producers have. It is their product that is finding its way into the hands of very troubled people. It is their product that is being used by people who are not fit to be a part of human society. If gun manufacturers were forced to better control how their product is distributed (or not distributed) through severe penalties or proactive procedures, it would make a difference.

But the blame is to be shared with the people themselves who commit the crimes and the people who have interacted with these people, specifically those leading up to the end game. As experts say, in cases like this one the killers almost always tell someone what they’re going to do. And even if they didn’t say anything, someone must have noticed something along the way that didn’t seem right. An email…a posting…an out of place comment. Who should have done something that didn’t do anything?

We also need to look within. Do you think this killer knew what he was going to do? Look in the mirror. Could you do something like this? Would you? If you don’t know the answer you need to do something about it now. Talk to someone. Address your problems at the source and do so aggressively. If you don’t know what the core problems are or don’t know how to solve them, you need to talk to someone that can.

Think about this: If you did commit a tragic crime, would someone looking through your records afterwards be surprised by what you did? Would your acquiantances be telling the media that, no, they’re not surprised at all that you did this? Are you the kind of person that someone would think is capable of doing something like this?

It’s up to you what you do from this moment on. It’s also up to society to be aware of those that need help and to do somthing. And it’s also up to us all to think logically and question the existence and availability of tools that have one purpose and one purpose alone.

What If All Viruses Went Viral?

Here’s how I summarize my struggle for recognition as a writer: I am a virus.

I am like an insect laying eggs in as many strategic poops as I can in the hopes that the environment is just right in one of them for just one clump to sprout and prosper. I’m honing my strategy, scouting, leering and lurking here and there.

Yes, I’m a virus injecting DNA into myriad host cells in the hopes that they will burst their guts all over the internet, replicating my work and ensuring continued life…figuratively, of course.

You, my friends, are symbiotes that aren’t necessarily trying to do what symbiotes typically do. You are defending the natural resistance to that wide-recognition fortress of knowledge, protecting a domain that must be protected much like these symbiotes are protecting computer systems.

Your protection ensures a natural order. Because if all viruses went viral, this would happen.

I don’t blame you for protecting the sanctity of existence. You are endeavoring upon your own search for knowledge and truth. And I believe that many writers, artists and musicians own a tendency to act like a virus. Without this tendency a writer will never be read, a musician never heard, an artist’s work never seen.

Here’s the twist…

The Functional Lunatic, always with a pedantic (but benevolent and benign) bent for cleverness – and an innate tendency to talk about himself in the 3^rd person – is posting in an effort to bypass this entire process.

If you simply acknowledge that I am the all-knowing pillar of truth for which you search, your search can end with me.

Yes, you can still continue trying to spread your own little virus by laying your egg in my comments section below. I’m also a symbiote, and a pretty good one at that. But I’ll be a welcoming symbiote.

So in review, you should:

(1)   Leave a comment below containing your virus
(2)   Share this link to all your friends and Twitter followers and encourage them to visit this location (
http://wp.me/p1kMu0-fc
)
(3)   Print this scan on a shirt and wear it every day or on a piece of paper left randomly at any location

The point is for us to work together to take over the world *ahem* I mean the point is to work together to spread our virus of truth, of music, of literature, of art.

Once I do become your god of Truth, perhaps I will write the best story ever… Or maybe I’ll just write about a guy that writes the best story ever. That kind of takes the pressure off. But wait! A good virus thrives under pressure, so I will write the best story ever!

Once the topic comes to me…

That’s one of the reasons I write: to hone my skills for when the Big One, the Big Story comes to me. Not a little topic for a blog, not a tiny riff for a tune, not a vision out of the corner of my eye for a picture. No, I am in a constant state of alertness and vigil because I know my big story is coming.

I have unknowingly been preparing to write this story my whole life. After Delphi and my other stuff was nothing but prep work, which has come via poetry, music, novels, short stories, heartbreak, injury, childhood memories…when the Big Story comes I will know it. It will be something special, perhaps terrible, but special nonetheless…meaning different, unordinary – extraordinary: not necessarily special in a “good” sense.

My story may come through suffering – of myself or someone close to me. I would prefer the former, since I feel I don’t suffer enough. My life is way too easy.

Then I’ll sit back and read what I wrote since that is the best part. I love reading what I wrote. It comes into my head and through my fingers. If I don’t get it out within 8 seconds it’s gone. The moment I write it, it is forgotten. That’s why I can’t wait to read what I’m going to write next.

Side note: Twitter would be better if there was a master intelligence digesting all tweets and determining objectively which were the best. I’d be winning, naturally, but since people are currently deciding I’m not doing so well. I could guarantee the master intelligence reads my tweets…

OK, back to observing and waiting…

That 70s Playlist…

I’m recommending this playlist of music that was on pop radio in the late 70s to very early 80s. Each of these songs has a very special meaning to me. Within the first 3 notes of each song, a very interesting thing happens in my mind: I am taken back to a very distinct time and place; I can feel the thoughts I felt when I heard these songs; I can see images burnt into my memory (that are unfortunately now starting to fade). I was between 4-7 years old during this time and this is when my love of music was forming and taking deep root in my mind. There are pictures of me in my back porch – a tiny little DJ that would spin records for hours and hours. Maybe some of these tunes mean something to you – some are obscure, others more well-known. I call it my “Chill” or “70s Playlist” and play it often.

One thing you’ll notice if you listen to these songs is that since they are from the late 70s time when that orchestra string section riffing in the background was such a big part of pop music. It’s an awesome sound and so easily places the tune in the era. I’d love to hear it in some modern music just to throw people off. From what I’ve learned, it was expensive to hire orchestra players 30-35 years ago so they would record a violin, viola and a cello as a 3-1-1 or 6-2-2 (meaning 3 violins, 1 viola and 1 cello) and triple or even quadruple track all of it to give it that really thick, drippy sound that you’ll hear in so many of the tunes in this era (think BeeGees).

I’d also love to hear my favorite artist, John Frusciante, cover all of them on a double album! @johnfrusciante .

Enjoy…I’m off to watch the original Doctor Who and Watership Down

In no particular order…(actually I think it’s alphabetical – sorry)

• 

  Fernando?

  Fernando – ABBA – Not the most famous ABBA tune, but what really catches my ear with this band is the double female vocals. Makes it sound like they’re double-teaming my ears “there was something in the air that night!” And that name Fernando…I pictured the most interesting man in the world before he even existed!

• Weekend in New England – Barry Manilow – Barry…oh Barry. When I was little your voice sounded so authoritative. A delicate piano intro then Barry slips in with his deep New Yawrk voice…and he’s always asking when he can “touch” the person he’s singing to. I never took that literally as a kid, but I do now for some reason. This and “Looks Like We Made It” are one song in my head.
• God Only Knows – The Beach Boys – The horns grab you right from the beginning and the vocal melody has so much range. Such a pretty song. Plus the white goat on the cover of the album always got my attention as did the first words “I may not always love you.” “What?!” my little mind thought.
• Don’t Ask Me Why – Billy Joel – Shuffling tune that brings back memories of playing with my sister on the back indoor porch. I swore if I ever met Mr. Joel I would ask him “why?” But then I would realize that I already know.
• Only the Good Die Young – Billy Joel – this tune and “Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)” bring back similar memories. Billy Joel was a good story teller with some nice effects thrown in: “heart attack-ack-ack-ack”. But this tune starts with a catchy piano riff then the drums kick in and he’s talking to some girl named Virginia. I never imagined it was about him trying to talk a good girl into giving it up. I remember thinking, “really? If you’re good you’re going to die young?” Made me want to be bad.
• The Tide is High – Blondie – 70s punk meets reggae meets horns. This was one of my favorites at the time, with the horns swaying so nicely and Blondie’s background harmonies. Had a Grease kind of feel to it.
• Love Will Keep Us Together – Captain and Tennille – Tennille always reminded me of my dad’s best friend’s wife. I have an image of her sitting on the curb watching me play wiffle ball. What did she see in the Captain, anyway, with his stupid moustache, big shades and actual boat captain cap with the scrambled eggs on the rim. What did the Captain bring the the table here anyway? Tambourine?
• Hard to Say I’m Sorry – Chicago – Peter Cetera’s voice was another like Manilow that just sounded like you needed to listen to what he was saying…or else. Real pretty piano opening. I never knew what he was saying in the vocal “After all the hoo we’ve been through”. What the hell is “hoo?” Sounds like it’s something difficult that made him want to apologize though…
• Do You Really Want to Hurt Me – Culture Club – This was a crazy unique tune when it came out, more in the early 80s. It had reggae, mystery (boy or girl?) and the garbage can bashing at the end is intense. The beginning was also a mystery to me. I’d never heard anything start like that and break out into the “beep-beep” synthesizer with the tappity tap percussion and that snarky trumpet with the mute in it that ends the chorus – you can literally touch the music. But the beginning always made me jump up and say “ooo, it’s on!!”
• Rich Girl – Hall and Oates – These guys just give me memories of good times and this is a good time tune *gasp* with a curse! Rely on the old man’s money? Money won’t get you too far? What a lesson in economics I got!
• Take It to the Limit – The Eagles – I always thought they were talking about the speed limit. I have this image in my head of being in the back of the station wagon (yes, no seat belt) seeing the double yellow lines go by real fast saying to myself, “wow, dad is really listening to these guys!”
• I Love a Rainy Night – Eddie Rabbitt – I think it was his name that made me like him. It’s a mind worm tune too…with finger snaps!
• Your Song – Elton John – There’s a soft space in me for Elton John. Something about his piano playing. I know he spreads his hands and hits high and low octaves a lot and that gives his playing a broad, rangey and unique sound. But the words, which I know he didn’t write, are always so ambiguous they cause so much imagery to fly around my mind. “Don’t have much money, but boy if I did I’d buy a big house where we both could live.” And the part where he says, “if I was a sculptor,” I always thought he said, “if I was a skeleton”. I used to love skeletons. But I didn’t know why he’d be suggesting he was one.
• Daniel – Elton John – I always liked this song for a special reason.
• Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – Elton John and Kiki Dee – happy time duet that was very similar for me with Maxine Nightingale’s tune below. Right from the start those 70 effects are in full throttle. Together: Woo Hoo, nobody knows it. Elton: When I was down – Kiki: I was your clown – Elton: right from the start – Kiki: I gave you my heart! – Together: Don’t go breakin’ my heart!
• Say You Love Me – Fleetwood Mac – My favorite Fleetwood Mac song. There’s a lot of good stuff that Stevie Nicks does, but this one sung by Christie McVie has this dry, stolid character about it although she does show some range in the melodies. Still, it has a good time feel to it starting with a chugging piano intro. And listen to the banjo in the background too! Another one that reminds me of my dad’s best friend’s wife (what was it with her??).
• Music Box Dancer – Frank Mills – Piano instrumental that I’d love to learn how to play one day (I don’t think it’s that hard). But it has drums and the 70s orchestra and some droning voices in it too which makes it extra unique. The album art looks like a ballerina on some 70s lights too.
• Who Loves You – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons – I love the opening. It starts real low and builds, then gets right to the matter and then breaks to Frankie and his bubbly voice. But as soon as I hear the opening I’m again in the back of the station wagon driving my dad to work (we only had one car) with my Gulf truck. 70s orchestra in strong effect here.
• December, 1963 (Oh What a Night) – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons – To me, this song sounds like Kool and the Gang. Again, great opening, great beat with piano riff over it. Good times! Must have been a great night…
• Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty – A very calm interesting song that always captured thoughts of a dreary English city scape – Jack the Ripper kind of scene and I’m not sure why. Whiny little intro that makes the whole song. Then it kicks into that vicious sax riff. I never realized back them how nasty that guitar solo was!
• Without you – Harry Nilsson – I always thought this was a woman singing this. It’s such a melancholy tune, makes me imagine myself as a little 6 year old looking out a window dripping with rain, wishing I could be outside playing. Then it gets serious. “ I CAN’T LIVE! IF LIVING IS WITHOUT YOU!!!!
• Fire and Rain – James Taylor – Such soothing guitar work to open, singing about someone being gone and he writes down a song but doesn’t know who to send it to. Whoa, he’s seen fire and he’s seen rain! Impressive to a little kid.
• Dancing In the Moonlight – King Harvest – When I listen to this it literally feels like I’m dancing in a night October field under a full moon. A real bubbly tune with a descending riff that kicks into a rambling keyboard line behind a rugged but friendly voice.
• You Make Me Feel Like Dancing – Leo Sayer – Another freaky tune I always thought was sung by a lady. It’s funny how when you’re a kid the words are taken so literally. I still feel like dancing when I hear this and this guy’s voice is soooo high. Later in the song he tries to kick it into a lower octave (which was a trend back then) but it’s funny because even his lower register is high. There’s a part where he’s riffing “hah hah” over some “do-dodos” and then he tries to sound mean. But it never fooled me.
• Reminiscing – Little River Band – That opening is locked in my brain, a plodding single-note, sarcastic sounding tone. I have no idea what kind of instrument it is, some kind of keyboard effect. “Friday night, it was late” – I was hooked. It had such a jazzy feel to it. Although I really don’t get moved by jazz music at all, this piece resonates with me for some reason.
• Blinded By the Light – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band – Revved up like a deuce…I didn’t even know what a douche was, but I was singing that. It has a bunch of squirrely-whirly characters in it that I loved to hear about.
• Right Back Where We Started From – Maxine Nightingale – I’m on my big wheel in an open field in New Brunswick at my cousins house on a Saturday evening. No worries. “ooo and it’s alright!” I’d like to get right back there.
• Jackie Blue – Ozark Mountain Daredevils – Boom boom – boom followed by another squirrely sounding guitar. Then the soft womanly vocals seem to rip apart some girl named Jackie. Poor Jackie. Sounds like Jackie could take this singer with one swift backhand though.
• 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon – I was always so intrigued by this. Again, I thought this was sung by a big middle aged woman (had a neighbor in mind – Liz) and I was very surprised later to see it was a little white man. The rhymes “make a new plan Stan, you don’t need to be coy, Roy” always made me feel like it was a Sesame Street kind of song. And I was like, “why would you want to leave someone that loves you?” The chord progression before any vocals with the snare drum really sets the tone for this serious tune with the funny kiddy rhymes.
• We Are the Champions/We Will Rock You – Queen – Used to go to sleep to this tune. How? I have no idea, but I think it was coupled with some cartoon or Daffy Duck rock back then – or something. I love Queen by the way. A soft strongly sung intro “bad mistakes…I’ve made a few”…then a booming anthem of victory! How could a little boy not love that.
• Maggie May – Rod Stewart – Classic tune that has everything from opening, voice, lyrics “steal my daddy’s cue and make a living playing pool. Or find myself a rock n’ roll band…that needs a helping hand”. Never realized it was a Mrs. Robinson kind of scenario going on.
• Tonight’s the Night – Rod Stewart – Rod Stewart has this voice – another one that I thought was a hoarse lady. And when I finally saw him (there were no videos or internet back then) I thought, “OK, it IS a lady” hehe. The lyrics “Stay away from my window…stay away from my back door” are memorable. Is he saying that anal intercourse is out of the picture? Makes me think of this picture of an androgynous man-woman baker telling the children to stay away from the pie cooling on the windowsill…even though he/she really wants them to try it so they can tell her/him how good that pie really is.
• You’re in My Heart – Rod Stewart – I always loved the whiny, remorseful violin that is almost like a character in this song. “Big bossomed lady with a Dutch accent! Ha Then the anthem “you’re in my heart you’re in my soul…”
• The Boxer – Simon and Garfunkel – Such quiet, subdued tunes that calm me to this day. Definite association to Watership Down cartoon movie about rabbits – a vicious, violent movie that I made my kids watch last year…cause I really wanted to watch it. In this song there’s this bleating deep pumping noise that comes in every once in a while. “By the ly-by the ly-ly-lylyly by the ly”.
• Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon and Garfunkel - I never really understood what the bridge was over. How could water be in trouble? But the melodies of these guys always dragged me into their trap.

• 

  PBS Icon from the 70s

  Dream Weaver – Gary Wright – My iPhone always thinks this is by Steve Miller for some reason, but it’s not. This was out of a different world, especially the sound effects at the beginning and end (what the hell IS that!!). For some reason I associate it with the blue ‘P’ in the old PBS slogan from TV. The sounds they made must have been similar – I think PBS made some kind of popping sound.

• Isn’t She Lovely – Stevie Wonder – A crying baby, a catchy tune. I’m kinda sick of it now though. I can see how I liked it a long time ago.
• Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder – The dynamic horns over a tippy tapping percussion. Then he’s talking about how wonderful music is. I completely understand why I loved it and still do.
• The Things We Do For Love – 10cc – I love this tune with its changes, hand clapping and the multiple layered vocals in the opening. I always wondered, what are the things you do for love?? It is very playful. “You think you’re gonna break up then she says she wants to make up.” Somehow I understood what that meant.
• I’m Not in Love – 10cc – The opening sounds like some kind of out of world trip. There’s so much space in it – there’s no other way of describing it. A great example of a big song that isn’t loud and doesn’t have a lot going on in it. It overwhelmed me when I was young and small, I think. Another one of those authoritative voices too.
• Precious and Few – Climax – “And if I can’t find my way back home…it just wouldn’t be fair.” A great lyric from an over-emotional sympathy-dripping tune. Is the singer crying?!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my little nostalgic trip along my 4-7 year old musical landscape. I really enjoyed writing it!

Winds of Change (Not Hope and Change)

Nasty storm in Florida – now that’s some change coming

I ask you to picture this:

It’s 7:40 pm on a Friday night. I’m alone in my house. My pants are wet on the crotch and Barry Manilow is singing about a romantic weekend in New England - I’m on my third beer doing the dishes. Billy Joel just finished singing about how he may be crazy and my old friend, the Bard, was singing about the government and vandals taking the handles.

A puff of soap bubbles springs from the pot I’m washing to join the wet spot on my crotch.

I hope no one comes to the door. How would I explain the strange combination of soaked crotch and Barry?

Change often leaves behind a messy wake

But the funny thing is, all these songs are talking about “winds of change” and it makes me wonder why this is such a common metaphor. Why do changes always announce themselves with a brisk wind? Why don’t they appear during a stagnant, humid day? It’s those changes you need to look out for: the ones that sneak up on you. That’s why I’m always on the lookout.

It’s one thing to be poetically sitting on a park bench watching the children play. The clouds darken; the temperature drops and…a wind blows. The winds of change. That’s so dramatic and unrealistically dopey because it never happens like that – except in a song. Or when an afternoon storm does actually blow through it very rarely coincides with any dynamic, social or political adjustments (sorry Mr. Dylan). It’s just a change in the atmospheric conditions and you’re like, “Oh, I knew that was coming because the wind started.”

God Drawn in the Clouds (Jesus is fading away)

Real Life isn’t that obvious, that dramatic, that forthcoming – and Real Life doesn’t use foreshadowing. In reality, things sneak up on you when you taking care of business in the restroom. You step out and see it’s been raining for 4 hours, but you’ve only been in the bathroom for 48 seconds. How did you not notice that storm, you wonder.

When will Bob and Billy and Barry sing about that?

I’m gonna go get another beer and see what song comes on next. Ha! “I Love a Rainy Night” by Eddie Rabbitt. I didn’t see that coming.

I love shuffle.

We can all hope it ends like this though…

After the change, a nice deeply colored rainbow

Sun dogs backlight chem *ahem* vapor trails

Vapor trails for a plus sign behind the power wires

Rebuilding Gifts for the New Civilization (Post 2012 Mayhem)

This is one of the cooler end of Earth graphics I’ve ever seen

I recently posted a question on Twitter that drew an ASTOUNDING number of responses. Zero actually, but that’s not the point. The question was:

What 5 things representative of humanity and human progress would you want preserved to help return civilization back our current state should a devastating, earth-threatening calamity strike?

Imagine that the almighty god (insert yours of choice, of course) came down to you and said, “psst, hey. Got an inside scoop for you…tomorrow…*looks left and right*…tomorrow it’s all gonna go down.”

You would naturally respond, “Why are you telling me?!”

God: “Dude, shut up and listen!

You: Jeez, you don’t have to be so rude.

God: What? My son is here?

You: *shakes head*

God: So here’s the deal. Tomorrow, big explosion around 9:14am -

You: Wait, what time zone?

God: Really? Yours obviously.

You: I’m not sure that was all that obvious, God

God: Do you really think I would give you a time and have it not be in your time zone?

You: Touché, God.

God: So as I was saying –

You: That’s standard time, right? I mean…because we just turned the clocks back.

Dog: ay eeS

No, that’s really the nightmare version of this scenario because not only do you now know that the world will end tomorrow (although not positive about the time), God has left you and you don’t really know what he was going to say to you about it…maybe an offer of some kind? Some immunity? An opportunity to dial a friend?

So let’s assume that conversation doesn’t go like that and imagine that God has strolled down from his perch from up high or upon nigh or from yonder or whatever locale he haunts and has given you information about the end of civilization AND an offer. Unfortunately that offer doesn’t save your life, but it does give civilization a chance to bounce back quickly after the mayhem and destruction has died down a bit. That’s not too bad of a deal is it? Maybe it is, but I didn’t hear you really listening and trying to negotiate with him. Is one of the rebuilding gifts negotiation skills? No, then our new civilization would be a bunch of lawyers and Major League Baseball agents – nothing would ever get done…

So what are these 5 rebuilding gifts that God has permitted us to set aside almost as a recovery time capsule? Some mix of technology and culture? Plans for a really cool septic system?  Minecraft? (But then you’d need the Xbox too…and electricity…and a TV. That’s only 4 – you’d still have one more left!) Let’s hope no one would seriously consider that.

I’d love to hear ideas (but don’t hurt yourself too much coming up with these). And no, one of them can’t be an infinity manufacturing plant where anything can be built. We don’t have one of those today. It has to be something we have today, Einstein.

Whatever we all finally decide, I think we could all agree to have some fun with our future kindred and leave some specially encrypted passage within one of the rebuilding gifts – say a book of prophecy -  which, when translated, can be deciphered by our newly recovered civilization as an end of world message about 1000 or so years into their future much like they did here.

That’ll keep them on their toes.

YvF